Oh. My. God. What have I done? I may not survive this one. Okay, here goes.
I'm short. Vertically challenged. Diminutive. Five foot not much tall. You get the picture. And, in my youth, I tried to offset this shortness by wearing taller shoes. With long pants and a pair of three inch tall shoes I was a goddess. But in the way of all things, as I got older I got tired of slogging around in shoes that felt like ship anchors. The dang things were heavy, unwieldy, and downright dangerous. Cracks in a sidewalk were treacherous, soft grass a sucking quagmire, and I could almost feel my tendons and ligaments shortening. So I gradually changed my fashion focus to one that was less glam and more comfort. The culmination of this change happened after I had my first child. There's something about waddling around for nine months with somebody's head in your ribs, their cute little feet tap-dancing on your bladder, that makes comfort seem more desirable, nay, nothing short of an imperative.
Besides, you can't carry a baby around while toddling along in dangerous shoes. One sinister crack on the sidewalk and your delicate offspring could find herself soaring through the air, headed for a bruise.
So I eschewed my tall shoes and opted, instead, for sneakers and flip flops. Ahhhh. My legs thanked me. My feet thanked me. And my back did a happy dance. Life was beautiful.
Then I started to think. Where did tall shoes come from? Where was the first platform shoe worn? Are there drawings of tall shoes on the cave walls in ancient Egypt? Is there evidence of tall shoes in the ground at Stonehenge? Have scientists recovered tall shoes near Roswell? You see where I'm going with this, right?
Did aliens bring us tall shoes like they brought us pyramids and big, seemingly useless pointed rocks in a circle? Crazy, you say? Ludicrous, you shout? Why? First of all, aliens are short. They might wear tall shoes too. You never hear about tall green men, right? It's always little green men. How are they going to intimidate other planets and peoples with that rap? They need to be tall right? The quickest way to do that is tall shoes.
And really, what better test of a civilization than to give them incredibly uncomfortable footwear and see if they can conquer it, even bend it to their will. I mean, have you seen today's tall shoes? They're the width of my pinkie finger at the toes and so tall your entire spine is contorted in order to wear them. The creatures who could dominate that kind of torture device are seriously manly, right? I mean, the human female is tough. We're resilient. We're rubber women! Who cares if our tendons are short? We singlehandedly scared off aliens with our shoes! And motherhood? It's the handing off of tradition to those who are stronger and more adaptable to the newest shoe styles.
The only fly in the ointment to my theory would be the sixties, when much of the target population wore no shoes at all or settled for wide, flat, comfortable shoes with a strange name. But fortunately the aliens didn't notice or we'd have been overrun and conquered by little green men wearing platform shoes during that decade.
Phew! That was close. #:0) We knew the sixties in America were scary, but we didn't know just how scary they could have been!
Happy reading everybody!