Wednesday, July 11, 2012

How NOT to Negotiate With Your Dog About Eating the Delivery Guy

Dorrie doing the "Squirrel" Just try to resist, I dare you!
Okay, dog, here's the deal. You can't eat the delivery guy.

I don't care if he tastes good, you can't eat him. Yes, I realize he looks really funny when he does that frantic kind of hop, skip, run thing to get away from you, but that doesn't mean you can chase him and bite.

What instincts? Come on, really? You sleep in a bed with your head on a pillow. The closest you get to killing your food is when you fling your chewies up in the air and catch them. You won't even stay outside in the summer because the bugs bite your ass. Do you really want to use the "I'm a wild animal and I can't help my instincts" argument now?

Well, I'm not buying it. You still can't eat the delivery guy.

Pack mentality? Oh, I get it, you mean just because all your friends eat the delivery guy you're just gonna leap right off that cliff with them?

Nevermind, it's a human thing.

No, I realize there's no cliff in the front yard.

No...I...forget the damn cliff? You're trying to distract me and I'm not gonna let you. I'm smarter than you.

I am.

Stop laughing.

No REALLY stop laughing.

Don't make me mad or you'll be sorry. Why? Who gives you chewies? Oh yeah, that would be me. You can't get your own chewies because you don't have opposable thumbs.  That's why I'm the boss. I'm totally in control.

Don't look at me like that. Stop it right now! Oh's a stop giving me the sweet eyes.

From now on, I expect you to show some restraint with the delivery guy. It is not okay to chase him and bite his calves. What do you mean what will I give you not to bite him? I'll give you my eternal gratitude.

Stop laughing.

Your friend Spot's delivery guy carries cookies in his van? Really? Smart man. But I can't make our delivery guy carry cookies.

Because I can't.

No, I'm not gonna bite him until he does.

Because humans don't bite. And his calves are hairy.

You saw that lady with the big teeth bite a man on TV? Gotta love True Blood. You shouldn't be watching those kinds of shows...yeah, the lady on TV did bite that man...but that wasn't real life. I don't care if it looked like she enjoyed it... No, I'm not biting the delivery guy's neck either. I'm pretty sure he has hair there too.

Snort! I'd like to see you bite him on the neck. You have two inch long legs. You'd need a ladder.

I'm not laughing at you, I'm laughing with you. There is a difference.

There is.

Okay, okay, I'll talk to our delivery guy about carrying cookies in the van.  But I'm not biting him.

Yes, that's my last word on the subject.

Okay, then we have an agreement. I'll get the delivery guy to start carrying cookies and you won't watch True Blood on TV anymore.

Why? Seriously? Because you're only 5. Don't give me that crap about dog years. You're too young.

No, Desperate Housewives is off limits too.

Sorry, that's just the way it is.

Don't you threaten me! If you bite the delivery guy I'm not giving you any chewies for a week. I mean it...don't...stop it. No, don't do the paw thing. You're doing the squirrel...oh god, not the squirrel!

I'm toast. 

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