How NOT to Negotiate With Your Dog About Eating the Delivery Guy

Dorrie doing the "Squirrel" Just try to resist, I dare you!

Okay, dog, here's the deal. You can't eat the delivery guy.


I don't care if he tastes good, you can't eat him. Yes, I realize he looks really funny when he does that frantic kind of hop, skip, run thing to get away from you, but that doesn't mean you can chase him and bite.

What instincts? Come on, really? You sleep in a bed with your head on a pillow. The closest you get to killing your food is when you fling your chewies up in the air and catch them. You won't even stay outside in the summer because the bugs bite your ass. Do you really want to use the "I'm a wild animal and I can't help my instincts" argument now?


Well, I'm not buying it. You still can't eat the delivery guy.

Pack mentality? Oh, I get it, you mean just because all your friends eat the delivery guy you're just gonna leap right off that cliff with them?

Nevermind, it's a human thing.

No, I realize there's no cliff in the front yard.

No...I...forget the damn cliff? You're trying to distract me and I'm not gonna let you. I'm smarter than you.

I am.

Stop laughing.

No REALLY stop laughing.

Don't make me mad or you'll be sorry. Why? Who gives you chewies? Oh yeah, that would be me. You can't get your own chewies because you don't have opposable thumbs.  That's why I'm the boss. I'm totally in control.

Don't look at me like that. Stop it right now! Oh crap...here's a chewie...now stop giving me the sweet eyes.

From now on, I expect you to show some restraint with the delivery guy. It is not okay to chase him and bite his calves. What do you mean what will I give you not to bite him? I'll give you my eternal gratitude.

Stop laughing.

Your friend Spot's delivery guy carries cookies in his van? Really? Smart man. But I can't make our delivery guy carry cookies.

Because I can't.

No, I'm not gonna bite him until he does.

Because humans don't bite. And his calves are hairy.

You saw that lady with the big teeth bite a man on TV? Gotta love True Blood. You shouldn't be watching those kinds of shows...yeah, the lady on TV did bite that man...but that wasn't real life. I don't care if it looked like she enjoyed it... No, I'm not biting the delivery guy's neck either. I'm pretty sure he has hair there too.

Snort! I'd like to see you bite him on the neck. You have two inch long legs. You'd need a ladder.

I'm not laughing at you, I'm laughing with you. There is a difference.

There is.

Okay, okay, I'll talk to our delivery guy about carrying cookies in the van.  But I'm not biting him.

Yes, that's my last word on the subject.

Okay, then we have an agreement. I'll get the delivery guy to start carrying cookies and you won't watch True Blood on TV anymore.

Why? Seriously? Because you're only 5. Don't give me that crap about dog years. You're too young.

No, Desperate Housewives is off limits too.

Sorry, that's just the way it is.

Don't you threaten me! If you bite the delivery guy I'm not giving you any chewies for a week. I mean it...don't...stop it. No, don't do the paw thing. You're doing the squirrel...oh god, not the squirrel!

I'm toast. 

How NOT to Negotiate with your Dog for Bed Space!

Okay dog, here's the deal. I'm the human... What? I am not a speci-ist...Stop it! Humans are smarter than dogs... Well, some humans. Yeah, Lana is probably smarter than some people. I'll give you that. But generally humans are superior... Yes, I did say superior. Deal with it...I am not a speci-ist...

Okay, okay, let's start over. We need to come to a meeting of the minds here. You're taking up way too much of the bed. It's reaching crisis point. Last night the only thing holding me on the bed was the fabric softener on the sheets.

What? I know I could go on the couch...hey...I paid for that bed. Did you pay for the bed? No, you did not. You didn't even pay for the fabric softener that saved my life last night.

Because I said...okay because I'm the human, you're the dog...

Stop the whining. Okay, here's the deal. I'm not moving to the couch so we have to come up with some kind of compromise. My demands? Well, I wouldn't exactly call them demands... I just want a few inches of my own damn bed so I can sleep at night... How many inches? Um, 24 inches.

Stop laughing.

No REALLY, stop laughing.

Okay, I'll settle for a foot. No, not my foot, I need my entire body on the bed. Yes, all night.  You have to give me 12 inches, I'm not budging on that number.

What the hell are "species needs"? No, I'm pretty sure that is not a legal term. Well, it shouldn't be if it is. Okay, so what are your species needs? Sideways on the bed? You see, that's the problem, you sleep sideways and kick me all night. Yeah, I understand you're a dachshund...uh huh, you do like to cuddle, but why horizontal? Why can't you sleep vertical on the bed and snuggle, like you used to do when you were a baby. It was sweet. No it wasn't lame. You laid your soft little head on my shoulder. It was wonderful.

Why do I want you to sleep vertical? Because you'd only take up six inches of space instead of the 24 plus inches you currently take up all stretched out horizontally on the bed. Yes, I realize you're a dachshund, we've already established that. Dachshunds are long, yes, but if you'd work with me and go vertical the length thing wouldn't be such an issue... I don't give a flying frog about your species needs. Okay, okay, horizontal it is, but couldn't you start your drape a little closer to the center of the bed so you're not pushing me off?

Sigh... All right, I'm willing to give a little on the 12 inches. How about 10? 8? 6? A cot on the floor next to the bed?

You'd miss me. I know you would. 

Sigh... All right, what are your demands. Yes, they are demands. You're a little terrorist, you are. Well if you don't want to be called a terrorist then you need to give a little in the negotiations. Uh huh, uh huh, yeah, okay, ugh, all right.

Okay, so that's what it will take for you to give me 8 inches at the very edge of the bed? Let me see if I've got it straight. You want a chewie at bedtime, and I can't yell at you for chewing while I'm trying to sleep. You want exclusive belly rub rights until Midnight, then I have to leave you alone so you can sleep. You want to be allowed to sleep in an extra hour in the morning 'cause you're sick of me getting up at 4am and waking you from your beauty sleep, and you want full use of the entire bed during the day.

I think I can live with that. Except for the exclusive daytime bed rights. I'll need part of the bed once in a while for naps. Sigh...okay, I'll nap on the couch.

Do we have a deal? Shake on it? No you don't get a cookie for the shake...no...I...oh crap! Okay, here's a cookie (terrorist).

I'm glad that's settled. Now, only 10 dogs to go...

This could take a while.