Okay, okay, let's start over. We need to come to a meeting of the minds here. You're taking up way too much of the bed. It's reaching crisis point. Last night the only thing holding me on the bed was the fabric softener on the sheets.
What? I know I could go on the couch...hey...I paid for that bed. Did you pay for the bed? No, you did not. You didn't even pay for the fabric softener that saved my life last night.
Because I said...okay because I'm the human, you're the dog...
Stop the whining. Okay, here's the deal. I'm not moving to the couch so we have to come up with some kind of compromise. My demands? Well, I wouldn't exactly call them demands... I just want a few inches of my own damn bed so I can sleep at night... How many inches? Um, 24 inches.
No REALLY, stop laughing.
Okay, I'll settle for a foot. No, not my foot, I need my entire body on the bed. Yes, all night. You have to give me 12 inches, I'm not budging on that number.
What the hell are "species needs"? No, I'm pretty sure that is not a legal term. Well, it shouldn't be if it is. Okay, so what are your species needs? Sideways on the bed? You see, that's the problem, you sleep sideways and kick me all night. Yeah, I understand you're a dachshund...uh huh, you do like to cuddle, but why horizontal? Why can't you sleep vertical on the bed and snuggle, like you used to do when you were a baby. It was sweet. No it wasn't lame. You laid your soft little head on my shoulder. It was wonderful.
Why do I want you to sleep vertical? Because you'd only take up six inches of space instead of the 24 plus inches you currently take up all stretched out horizontally on the bed. Yes, I realize you're a dachshund, we've already established that. Dachshunds are long, yes, but if you'd work with me and go vertical the length thing wouldn't be such an issue... I don't give a flying frog about your species needs. Okay, okay, horizontal it is, but couldn't you start your drape a little closer to the center of the bed so you're not pushing me off?
Sigh... All right, I'm willing to give a little on the 12 inches. How about 10? 8? 6? A cot on the floor next to the bed?
You'd miss me. I know you would.
Sigh... All right, what are your demands. Yes, they are demands. You're a little terrorist, you are. Well if you don't want to be called a terrorist then you need to give a little in the negotiations. Uh huh, uh huh, yeah, okay, ugh, all right.
Okay, so that's what it will take for you to give me 8 inches at the very edge of the bed? Let me see if I've got it straight. You want a chewie at bedtime, and I can't yell at you for chewing while I'm trying to sleep. You want exclusive belly rub rights until Midnight, then I have to leave you alone so you can sleep. You want to be allowed to sleep in an extra hour in the morning 'cause you're sick of me getting up at 4am and waking you from your beauty sleep, and you want full use of the entire bed during the day.
I think I can live with that. Except for the exclusive daytime bed rights. I'll need part of the bed once in a while for naps. Sigh...okay, I'll nap on the couch.
Do we have a deal? Shake on it? No you don't get a cookie for the shake...no...I...oh crap! Okay, here's a cookie (terrorist).
I'm glad that's settled. Now, only 10 dogs to go...
This could take a while.