Another Truly Villainous Interview!

Terrified Reporter: I wish I could say I was happy to be interviewing today’s villain, but unfortunately several years of Christian school have made me just slightly paranoid about Satan. Yes, you heard me right. I said Satan. He’s the arch nemesis in all of Sam Cheever’s Dancin’ With the Devil series books, so when I was told I needed to interview her villain he was the guy…erm…serpent. So, anywho, I won’t tell you I’m not nervous about it…but here we go. (I’m wearing the biggest cross I could find and I stopped by Saint Mary’s on the way into the office so I could drench myself in holy water. I have an exorcist standing by and I’m sitting in the middle of a perfect circle of burning white candles. I have no idea if the candles will help, but I’m desperate at this point.

Terrified reporter: So. I guess I should say hello. But I’m not going to welcome you, Satan.

Satan: (Shrugs) You’re a bug under my shoe, honey. You think I care? (frowns) Why are you all wet?

Terrified reporter: Never mind. Okay. So I understand that you make Astra Q Phelp’s life very difficult in the Dancin’ With the Devil stories. Can you tell us about that?  

Satan: I make everyone’s life miserable. It’s just how I roll. But Astra is special. She keeps getting in between me and my big plans and it’s annoying. I’d have taken her out by now but I’m really hoping that, once she comes through her Settling, she’ll end up on the darker side of gray and she’ll be mine.

Terrified reporter: What’s her Settling? I don’t understand.

Satan: Astra’s a Tweener. She’s part devil and part angel. The Settling is the time when Tweeners go either to their dark or light sides. Astra’s Settling is currently nip and tuck…a drop ball…a center ice face-off…

Terrified reporter: (frowns) You’re mixing your metaphors.

Satan: (Flings hand up and explodes the Terrified reporter’s potted plant.)  I AM SATAN! THE MIGHTY SERPENT! I can mix whatever I want! Don’t ever correct me again, puny mortal!

Terrified reporter: (climbs, whimpering, out from under her desk) Got it, no correcting. So sorry. Please continue.

Satan: Anyway…(throws one last glare at the reporter) I’ve been trying to drag Astra toward her dark side since she was 5 years old and killed her first demon in the sandbox…

Terrified reporter: What? Wait a minute, she killed a demon at age 5? Why?

Satan: Laughs, if you have to ask why you’ve never met a demon. Have you? Ever met a demon?

Terrified reporter: Well, no…

Satan: Wrong! You’ve met me haven’t you? (laughs and shakes head) Stupid humans. So easy. She killed the demon because he tried to take her little bucket. Oh, and he attacked her sister Darma. But it was the bucket that really tipped her boat. That’s when I knew she had the right stuff to join my army.

Terrified reporter: So what’s keeping her from going dark?

Satan: (shrugs) I’m not sure. Her mother is delightfully evil. Such a saucy little number is Danika Phelps. Just yummy. But her father… (grimaces with distaste) James Phelps has a huge, pearly stick up his ass. He’s been sitting at the right hand of the Big Guy for too long, an angel of the highest order. Prick. He and Astra’s bitchy aunt Myra, an archangel, influence her too strongly. They even managed to turn one of my best Royal Devils into a pansy assed Unifier. I had high hopes for Dialle too. Pity.

Terrified reporter: So this Settling thing…what exactly does it do?

Satan: It’s an internal war between their dark natures and their light. (waggles eyebrows) And it makes them REALLY horny. It lasts a year and when it’s over they come out either good or evil.

Terrified reporter: (frowns) They can’t just come out neutral?

Satan: Never heard of that happening. But if anybody could accomplish it Astra could. She’s a real pitchfork in the ass, that one. (shakes head)

Terrified reporter: Well, that’s just about all the time we have… Wait! Where are you going?

Satan: (saunters away, grinning) There’s a playground across the street isn’t there? I’m gonna go corrupt some young minds.

Terrified reporter: No! Don’t do that! Oh my, I should never have brought him here. Satan! Serpent! Have you seen my cross? Damn!