Another Truly Villainous Interview!

Terrified Reporter: I wish I could say I was happy to be interviewing today’s villain, but unfortunately several years of Christian school have made me just slightly paranoid about Satan. Yes, you heard me right. I said Satan. He’s the arch nemesis in all of Sam Cheever’s Dancin’ With the Devil series books, so when I was told I needed to interview her villain he was the guy…erm…serpent. So, anywho, I won’t tell you I’m not nervous about it…but here we go. (I’m wearing the biggest cross I could find and I stopped by Saint Mary’s on the way into the office so I could drench myself in holy water. I have an exorcist standing by and I’m sitting in the middle of a perfect circle of burning white candles. I have no idea if the candles will help, but I’m desperate at this point.

Terrified reporter: So. I guess I should say hello. But I’m not going to welcome you, Satan.

Satan: (Shrugs) You’re a bug under my shoe, honey. You think I care? (frowns) Why are you all wet?

Terrified reporter: Never mind. Okay. So I understand that you make Astra Q Phelp’s life very difficult in the Dancin’ With the Devil stories. Can you tell us about that?  

Satan: I make everyone’s life miserable. It’s just how I roll. But Astra is special. She keeps getting in between me and my big plans and it’s annoying. I’d have taken her out by now but I’m really hoping that, once she comes through her Settling, she’ll end up on the darker side of gray and she’ll be mine.

Terrified reporter: What’s her Settling? I don’t understand.

Satan: Astra’s a Tweener. She’s part devil and part angel. The Settling is the time when Tweeners go either to their dark or light sides. Astra’s Settling is currently nip and tuck…a drop ball…a center ice face-off…

Terrified reporter: (frowns) You’re mixing your metaphors.

Satan: (Flings hand up and explodes the Terrified reporter’s potted plant.)  I AM SATAN! THE MIGHTY SERPENT! I can mix whatever I want! Don’t ever correct me again, puny mortal!

Terrified reporter: (climbs, whimpering, out from under her desk) Got it, no correcting. So sorry. Please continue.

Satan: Anyway…(throws one last glare at the reporter) I’ve been trying to drag Astra toward her dark side since she was 5 years old and killed her first demon in the sandbox…

Terrified reporter: What? Wait a minute, she killed a demon at age 5? Why?

Satan: Laughs, if you have to ask why you’ve never met a demon. Have you? Ever met a demon?

Terrified reporter: Well, no…

Satan: Wrong! You’ve met me haven’t you? (laughs and shakes head) Stupid humans. So easy. She killed the demon because he tried to take her little bucket. Oh, and he attacked her sister Darma. But it was the bucket that really tipped her boat. That’s when I knew she had the right stuff to join my army.

Terrified reporter: So what’s keeping her from going dark?

Satan: (shrugs) I’m not sure. Her mother is delightfully evil. Such a saucy little number is Danika Phelps. Just yummy. But her father… (grimaces with distaste) James Phelps has a huge, pearly stick up his ass. He’s been sitting at the right hand of the Big Guy for too long, an angel of the highest order. Prick. He and Astra’s bitchy aunt Myra, an archangel, influence her too strongly. They even managed to turn one of my best Royal Devils into a pansy assed Unifier. I had high hopes for Dialle too. Pity.

Terrified reporter: So this Settling thing…what exactly does it do?

Satan: It’s an internal war between their dark natures and their light. (waggles eyebrows) And it makes them REALLY horny. It lasts a year and when it’s over they come out either good or evil.

Terrified reporter: (frowns) They can’t just come out neutral?

Satan: Never heard of that happening. But if anybody could accomplish it Astra could. She’s a real pitchfork in the ass, that one. (shakes head)

Terrified reporter: Well, that’s just about all the time we have… Wait! Where are you going?

Satan: (saunters away, grinning) There’s a playground across the street isn’t there? I’m gonna go corrupt some young minds.

Terrified reporter: No! Don’t do that! Oh my, I should never have brought him here. Satan! Serpent! Have you seen my cross? Damn!

Percy Honeybun and Brita Muldane Interview

Percy Honeybun and Brita Muldane recently sat down with a reporter from the Indianapolis Start Ribbin' to talk about their relationship and the absurdity of author Sam Cheever dragging out their happy ending. The interview was spurred by the outrage and tearful begging of fans who just can't believe Cheever could continue to write book after Honeybun book without resolving the issue and putting Honeybun and Muldane out of their misery. When asked by this reporter, Cheever would only say, "Their time will come. It isn't now. And if you don't get that microphone out of my face I'm gonna bite it off!"

Aside from the author's obvious sensitivity on this issue, the Indianapolis Start Ribbin' is determined to get to the bottom of this horrendous unfairness. This interview represents our first volley onto that battlefield.

ISR Reporter: Mr. Honeybun, Ms. Muldane, thank you for taking the time to speak with us today about an issue that has millions of fans all over the world up in arms, so to speak.

Brita: Thank you for letting us tell our side of the story.

Percy: As you can imagine, it's been a very trying time for us.

ISR Reporter: (To Brita) Maybe you can start by telling us how it all started. When did you and Mr. Honeybun first find yourselves at odds?

Brita: It was A Honeybun and Coffee. (Percy nods) Cheever forced Percy to do something that I just couldn't forgive. He went behind my back on a police matter. (Glares at Percy) He made me look like a fool.

Percy: (Sounding defensive) I tried to talk Cheever out of it, but she kept insisting it was key to the storyline. Up until the last minute I tried my best not to comply, but she was intractable. (Shakes head)

ISR Reporter: (To Percy) And through the last 4 books you haven't been able to make it up to Brita?

Percy: I keep trying. There were times, like in Fast Track to a Honeybun, when we got close...

Brita: (Nods) Very close.

Percy: But then Cheever made Brita do something I couldn't forgive and we were buried even deeper in the mire.

ISR Reporter: What did she do?

Percy: She went off half cocked and almost got herself killed. I was really mad that she ditched me.

Brita: I'm a cop, Percy, I have to do dangerous stuff all the time. (Shrugs) Anyway, by the time we got to Honeybun in Hell, I would have done anything to get Percy to forgive me. That was when I realized I was never gonna get over him. No matter how much I wanted to move on.

Percy: She went off and got herself kidnapped by a psycho in that one. I almost punched out all my brothers for letting her get away.

Brita: (Shudders) I've definitely sworn off underground caverns.

ISR Reporter: But I understand the two of you had something of a break-through moment in Honeybun in a Loin Cloth.

Percy: (Glances toward Brita, smiles) We did. Brita ran herself ragged over that case. I was really worried about her. The stress kind of brought us together.

Brita: I really thought we'd lost Godric. It was even worse than when Warwicke was in that horrible car crash... (Sniffles...obviously overcome with emotion)

Percy: Honeybun in a Loin Cloth was tough on us. I've never felt the weight of being the oldest Honeybun as much as I did during that book. Godric and Dini were really up against it and I couldn't do anything but try to hold the family together.

ISR Reporter: (Smiles) On a happier note, I understand Book 6, Honeybun at a Dude Ranch starts out with a really nice surprise.

Brita: (Zips lips) Cheever is pretty excited about that one. The Honeybun family is ecstatic, though things start out a little rough. (Shares a grin with Percy)

Percy: Unfortunately, Cheever really put Heathcliffe in a low spot in the book. (Sighs) We're not sure how it's all gonna turn out yet.


ISR Reporter: So...that brings us to the million dollar question...the one everyone is asking...

Brita and Percy share a look.

ISR Reporter: What's up next for you two? When is Cheever going to put you out of your misery?

(Tense silence. Finally Percy sits forward, his handsome face darkening with anger.)

Percy: She won't say. We've tried everything we can think of to get her to relent. She's very stubborn.

Brita: She keeps telling us everything has its own time and place. We haven't reached our time yet. Nobody knows what she has planned. She won't even tell her editor. (Sighs)

ISR Reporter: Well, that's why we're here today. We're going to try to put some pressure on her. I'm asking readers of this blog to confront Cheever with arguments as to why she should release you from your misery. Reason with her, yell at her, call her names, whatever you need to do. We're not going to give up until Cheever writes your happy ending!


Percy: Thank you so much.

Brita: (Stands, runs her long fingers through her hair) I need to get back to work, I'm pretty sure Heathcliffe's new honey, Nita, is about to get herself in deep trouble.

ISR Reporter: Thank you for coming by today. Keep your spirits up. We're all in this fight together now.

Check out the Honeybun Hunks series books! Book Page