Sunday, June 24, 2012

A Truly Villainous Interview!

No book is complete without a villain whom you love to hate. But there's no question that some villains are more hate-worthy than others. To prove that point I give you Deva Banks, from The Biggest Poser. #:0) 

Of all the villains I’ve written over the years, Deva Banks has a spot right at the top of my “Love to Hate” list. As described in the blurb for the book, she’s “the biggest b-eye-itch” you’ll ever meet. But she’s dang entertaining in the process. I hope you enjoy my interview with Deva. I know I sure did!


Intrepid news babe: Good morning Ms. Banks! I’m so glad you could join me this morning to talk about this year’s season of Lose it! I’ve been a fan of the show for years. It’s an amazing show.

Deva Banks: Let’s just be completely clear. The show’s a smoldering turd swirling in a giant toilet. I’m just here to explain to everybody that I can’t be held responsible for the stench wafting up from it. I’ve done my very best to try to save the season but I’m dealing with total morons. 

Intrepid news babe: Um, yeah, okay. So, first of all, tell me a little bit about your co-star, Jillie Maxwell, by all accounts a tough trainer but fair. America’s sweetheart, some would say.

Deva Banks: Some would be idiots. The woman’s too stupid to live. She pretends to be tough but she totally babies her contestants. Those big fat fatties are lucky to lose a single pound under her watch. She’s a total cluster f…

Intrepid news babe: Now, now, Ms. Banks. We can’t have that kind of language on the show (laughs nervously) We’ll have the FCC after us! 

Deva Banks: (Shrugs) Whatever. Bunch of pus…

Intrepid news babe: Alright! Let’s move on to Chef Brandt. He sure is a sexy drink of water. Did you find yourself falling under his influence during the season?

Deva Banks: (Snorts) He’s a good looking guy. I can’t deny that. And something about him makes my insides go all squishy… (darts a horrified look at the intrepid news babe) …erm, but he’s a fool. He thinks all the things that are happening on the set are accidents. I mean, the producer getting thrown out of a window? How do you make that into an accident? The greased climbing wall…the hole in the boats for the river race? Come on! He’s just a pretty face…a tall, sexy, really hot body without a brain. (shakes her head).

Intrepid news babe: Ms. Banks, do you want to talk about the rumor that you did some time for beating a guy up in a bar fight? You know, maybe give your side? Set the record straight?

Deva Banks: No. 

Intrepid news babe: Um… Okay... So how did the show treat you? Did you get the star treatment you…erm…deserve?

Deva Banks: (Glares at intrepid news babe) Asswipes…

Intrepid news babe: Hooboy, that one slid right past me. Sorry FCC. 

Deva Banks: They knew I was afraid of heights. I put it right in my dossier. But they put me on the fourth floor. The fourth floor! I couldn’t go near the windows or I would get dizzy and pass out. And the rooms were small and dingy. Everything was dingy. The place is a dump. I’m not sure I want to go back for another season. Even if they ask me. Which of course they will. Jillie Maxwell isn’t capable of running that show on her own. She’s a total waste of space. I don’t know why they bother anyway. Those big, fat, fatties aren’t ever gonna lose the weight. If they wanted to lose it they would have already. It’s not that hard, you just stop stuffing food into your fat, fat, fattie face. You don’t need a degree in physics to figure that one out. (slants a look at the intrepid news babe) Although, apparently you haven’t figured it out yet. 

Intrepid news babe: Alrighty then! That will do it for our interview. Thanks so much for stopping by today, Ms. Banks. (grinds teeth and smiles, eyes a little wild)

Deva Banks: Maybe if you laid off those donut holes they saturated the green room with. You know your backside looks just like a donut hole. You’ve probably got cellulite the size of my eyeballs on that puppy, am I right?

Intrepid news babe: Cut!! Cut, cut, cut, cut CUT! 

Deva Banks: Is that a porpoise on your belly or are you just glad to see m…

That’s a WRAP!!!


BLURB: Personal trainer for the ever popular, Lose it! reality show, Jillie Maxwell is up for the most important award of her career. And she’s competing against the biggest b-eye-itch she’s ever met. Fortunately for her, she has the sexiest man alive in her corner. Problem is, each and every one of them has a dirty little secret that could tank a career. 

For the contestants, the race is on to lose the most weight and win everything. For the staff of the popular weight loss show, the clock is ticking to the culmination of their lies and the possibility of losing it all.
Will the Biggest Poser win? Or will the lies just grow and grow until they sink the whole show? Only one thing is certain. Whatever happens, it’s gonna be one hell of an entertaining ride!

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