Of all the villains I’ve written over the years, Deva Banks has a
spot right at the top of my “Love to Hate” list. As described in the blurb for
the book, she’s “the biggest b-eye-itch” you’ll ever meet. But she’s dang
entertaining in the process. I hope you enjoy my interview with Deva. I know I
sure did!
~~*~~
Intrepid
news babe: Good morning Ms. Banks! I’m so glad you could join me this
morning to talk about this year’s season of Lose
it! I’ve been a fan of the show for years. It’s an amazing show.
Deva
Banks: Let’s just be completely clear. The show’s a smoldering turd
swirling in a giant toilet. I’m just here to explain to everybody that I can’t
be held responsible for the stench wafting up from it. I’ve done my very best
to try to save the season but I’m dealing with total morons.
Intrepid
news babe: Um, yeah, okay. So, first of all, tell me a little bit about
your co-star, Jillie Maxwell, by all accounts a tough trainer but fair.
America’s sweetheart, some would say.
Deva
Banks: Some would be idiots. The
woman’s too stupid to live. She pretends to be tough but she totally babies her
contestants. Those big fat fatties are lucky to lose a single pound under her
watch. She’s a total cluster f…
Intrepid
news babe: Now, now, Ms. Banks. We can’t have that kind of language on the
show (laughs nervously) We’ll have the FCC after us!
Deva
Banks: (Shrugs) Whatever. Bunch of pus…
Intrepid
news babe: Alright! Let’s move on to Chef Brandt. He sure is a sexy drink
of water. Did you find yourself falling under his influence during the season?
Deva
Banks: (Snorts) He’s a good looking guy. I can’t deny that. And something
about him makes my insides go all squishy… (darts a horrified look at the
intrepid news babe) …erm, but he’s a fool. He thinks all the things that are
happening on the set are accidents. I mean, the producer getting thrown out of a
window? How do you make that into an accident? The greased climbing wall…the
hole in the boats for the river race? Come on! He’s just a pretty face…a tall,
sexy, really hot body without a brain. (shakes her head).
Intrepid
news babe: Ms. Banks, do you want to talk about the rumor that you did some
time for beating a guy up in a bar fight? You know, maybe give your side? Set
the record straight?
Deva
Banks: No.
Intrepid
news babe: Um… Okay... So how did the show treat you? Did you get the star
treatment you…erm…deserve?
Deva
Banks: (Glares at intrepid news babe) Asswipes…
Intrepid
news babe: Hooboy, that one slid right past me. Sorry FCC.
Deva
Banks: They knew I was afraid of heights. I put it right in my dossier. But
they put me on the fourth floor. The fourth floor! I couldn’t go near the
windows or I would get dizzy and pass out. And the rooms were small and dingy.
Everything was dingy. The place is a dump. I’m not sure I want to go back for another
season. Even if they ask me. Which of course they will. Jillie Maxwell isn’t
capable of running that show on her own. She’s a total waste of space. I don’t
know why they bother anyway. Those big, fat, fatties aren’t ever gonna lose the
weight. If they wanted to lose it they would have already. It’s not that hard,
you just stop stuffing food into your fat, fat, fattie face. You don’t need a
degree in physics to figure that one out. (slants a look at the intrepid news
babe) Although, apparently you haven’t
figured it out yet.
Intrepid
news babe: Alrighty then! That will do it for our interview. Thanks so much
for stopping by today, Ms. Banks. (grinds teeth and smiles, eyes a little wild)
Deva
Banks: Maybe if you laid off those donut holes they saturated the green
room with. You know your backside looks just like a donut hole. You’ve probably
got cellulite the size of my eyeballs on that puppy, am I right?
Intrepid
news babe: Cut!! Cut, cut, cut, cut CUT!
Deva
Banks: Is that a porpoise on your belly or are you just glad to see m…
That’s
a WRAP!!!
~~*~~
BLURB: Personal trainer for the ever
popular, Lose it! reality show,
Jillie Maxwell is up for the most important award of her career. And she’s
competing against the biggest b-eye-itch she’s ever met. Fortunately for her,
she has the sexiest man alive in her corner. Problem is, each and every one of
them has a dirty little secret that could tank a career.
For the contestants, the race is on
to lose the most weight and win everything. For the staff of the popular weight
loss show, the clock is ticking to the culmination of their lies and the
possibility of losing it all.
Will the Biggest Poser win? Or will
the lies just grow and grow until they sink the whole show? Only one thing is
certain. Whatever happens, it’s gonna be one hell of an entertaining ride!
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