Thursday, May 14, 2009

Ask Dr. Sam - Week of May 11th

The Question:

Dear Dr. Sam,

My husband is a wonderful man and I love him dearly. But I have a problem. He wants to retire. While this might not sound like a problem, believe me it is. You see, my husband has no hobbies, no interests, no inclination to do anything at all but stare at me all day. When I tell him he can't retire until he gets a hobby, he tells me I'm his hobby. Eeek!!!! Please help me, Dr. Sam!

Terrified in Seattle.

Dr. Sam's Response:

Dear Terrified,

Dr. Sam has sweaty palms just thinking about it. But we must not panic! Here is what you need to do. First of all you need a crisis. If you do not have one, you must manufacture one. It is done in Washington DC all the time. How hard can it be?

So let's see...a crisis...hmmm...of course! Why create a new one when we have such a handy crisis right in front of us. I want you to go on the Internet and find every article you can about global warming. For our purposes, the kookier the science the better. See if you can find some that promise the wholesale destruction of the planet in 2 years if we don't stop using hairspray immediately. Then take all of these articles to your husband and, with a tear in each eye, explain to him how frightened you are that you and he are not prepared if the worst should happen with global warming, and how glad you are that you have a big, strong man to take care of you.

It must be his idea (wink, wink, nudge, nudge) to build an airtight, heatproof, bugproof, and especially snakeproof shelter in the deepest part of your back yard, and he must also choose to stock it liberally with supplies in case global warming occurs (don't forget the sunscreen and aloe!). An added benefit is that you'll also be prepared for locusts, hurricanes, tornadoes, volcanoes, tsunamis, the return of bell bottoms and wide belts, and any number of other crisis inducing natural occurrences.

The male of the species likes nothing better than to play in the dirt and make cement. He'll be happily making converse mudforts in your back yard in no time. The entire process should take him at least a year. During which time you'll be blissfully alone in the house!

Now, as with all good things, the peace will eventually end. At this point you'll have no choice but to sacrifice your children on the altar of your domestic harmony. He must be induced to create exact replicas of the shelter in your back yard for each of your 12 children (who hopefully DO NOT live in your basement!). What? You have no children...or you only have two...damn it woman! This is serious! ADOPT! Quickly.

If your children balk at having daddy ear deep in their backyards you must use age old parenting techniques to get them on board with the plan. Yes, of course I'm talking about threats and bribery! What else would work for this? Yeesh!

Viola! Problem solved.

Dr. Sam
Psychological Prognosticator Extraordinaire

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